Alfred Bester by The Animal Fair

Author:The Animal Fair [Fair, The Animal]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Published: 2012-01-30T00:17:31+00:00

And then James James fell in love. It was a mad, consuming passion for the least likely candidate. Obeying George Woodchuck’s dying admonition he went down to the triangle to request Paula, the pig, to respect the boundaries, and it was love at first sight. Paula was white with black patches or black with white patches (Poland China was her type) and she was grossly overweight. Nevertheless, James adored her. He brought her armfuls of apples from the orchard which she ate methodically and without thanks. Nevertheless, James loved her. He was the despair of the Big Red Schoolhouse.

“Puppy love,” the Professor snorted.

“He’s a set-up for a my-wife-is-so-fat-that joke,” one of the Endmen said.

“Marriage is out of the question,” the Senior Rabbit said. “She’s twice his age.”

“And twice his weight.”

Caw! Caw! Caw!

“If he dares to bring that woman here,” the debutantes said, “we’ll never speak to him again.”

James dreamed into the barn. “Ready for the biology seminar,” he said.

“Mathematics today,” the Professor rapped.

“Yes, Paula.”

“I am the Professor.”

“Sorry, sir.”

“We will begin with a review of binary arithmetic. I trust you all remember that the decimal system uses the base of ten. We count from one to ten, ten to twenty, twenty to thirty, and so on. The binary system is based on zero and one. Zero is zero. One is one, but two is ten. Three is eleven. Four is one hundred. What is five, James?” “One hundred and Paula.”

“Class dismissed.”

And then James began to skip classes.

“We were supposed to start a dig yesterday,” Moe Mole reported, “and he never showed up.”

“He cut my oratorio session,” Jack Johnson said.

“That boy is turning into a drop-out.”

“Have you noticed how he’s brushing his hair?” the debutantes inquired.

“Oh, come on!” His Eminence said. “If the kid’s got hot pants why can’t we—”

“The boy is morally straight,” the Scoutmaster interrupted sternly.

“It can’t be solved on simplistic terms,” the Professor said. “Emotions are involved, and the cerebrum is never on speaking terms with the cerebellum.” Alas, the situation resolved itself on an afternoon when James, carefully combed and brushed, brought another armful of apples to his love. Paula devoured them as stolidly as ever while James sat and watched devotedly. Apparently Paula was extra-hungry this afternoon because when James started to embrace her she started to eat him. James pulled his arm out of her mouth and recoiled in horror and disillusionment.

“Paula!” he exclaimed. “You only love me for myself.”

“Khonyetchna,” Paula grunted in Cyrillic.

James returned to the Big Red Schoolhouse in a gloomy mood. Of course everybody had seen the sad incident and all of them did their best to be tactful.

“Physiology tomorrow,” the Professor said. “We will discuss the hydrogen-ion balance in the blood.” “Yes, sir.”

“We got to get on to the modern composers, kid.”

“Yes, sir.”

“You know, shale is an oil-bearing rock,” Moses Mole said. “But why isn’t there any oil in red shale? There must be a mathematical reason.” “We’ll try to find it, sir.”

“Stick out your chest and be a man,” the Scoutmaster said.

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